“Watch what you say”- That would be easy if I knew it was appropriate or not before I said it!

Last night Daddy pushed one of my buttons… ting is, neither of us realized it until I was in tears.

We had been talking with a close friend and I said something about us not having the money for me to attend an event next week, so Daddy would probably be going alone unless I could win a free ticket in a random drawing. I didn’t think their was anything wrong with what I had said, I wasn’t being critical or pouting, but when we left the conversation and were in privet (Daddy never reprimands in public) I was told that I need to watch what I say to other people. Apparently entering the public drawing via a FetLife comment was fine, but if I say out loud that I couldn’t afford a ticket it’s too much information. I don’t understand that… isn’t entering the random drawing for a free ticket a week before pretty obvious that I don’t already have a ticket and therefor one can assume that I can’t afford to buy a ticket and full price?

I really don’t understand what the difference is and why saying that we can’t afford something is inappropriate.

This is not the first time in my life that I have been told to watch what I say, actually it’s really common for me. Until I started my research into Aspergers Syndrome (AS) I thought that I was just stupid, what was so simple for other people to determine (what should and should not be said in various company) was so difficult for me.

My ex-Master couldn’t stand it when something “inappropriate” came out of my mouth, he though that it was me being malicious and trying to make someone angry, brag about something, or me being spiteful towards him. He would be angry and I would have no idea what I had done wrong. Eventually, when telling me “Don’t do that” didn’t work he started punishing me… At first it was cane strokes after an incident, then when that didn’t seem to help (I still had no clue what was appropriate conversation or when) he decided to strap an electric dog collar to my thigh and zap me whenever I spoke out of turn or said something incorrectly. That lasted for nearly a week with me getting constant shocks and ended with him turning the thing up full blast and holding down the button for thirty seconds until I was in tears having, what I now know is, a meltdown. Ever sense that failed experiment in punishment I have had PTSD reactions to electrical toys and the sounds they make. Eventually things ended with that Master, there were many reasons but the fact that he resented my inability to censor my speech was one of the big factors.

When Daddy and I first started discussing our power dynamic I told him the trauma I experience with my ex and how I would not be able to mentally handle punishments like that. He understood and chose a different rout, positive reinforcement and explaining to me what I did wrong and why it was wrong, but never punishment.

It still doesn’t help though that I can’t seem to figure out what is appropriate and what is not, often when I am really confused I will simply not speak at all. Better to no say anything then offend or upset someone.

The problem isn’t that I talking about inappropriate subjects around vanilla people or kids, I don’t start discussing sex at work or anything… I learned the hard way that sexual information is inappropriate in the workplace so I simply make that a blanket rule (never discuss sex at work or around non-kinky people). But the fact is that I still had to learn that and there is no wiggle room with that rule, it’s black and white.

Around people know and I am comfortable with it’s a lot harder to know what is and is not ok to say though. It’s not a black and whit situation, what is appropriate in one contexts is not in another, but I’m speaking to the same person. I can be totally honest with my feeling and thoughts to Daddy, but if friends are over I need to watch what I say until they leave… why should I even bother to talk then? It’s really a matter of intuition for conversations, that part of my brain has never seemed to work. I can’t look at a situation and know what is appropriate conversation. I have learned to wait an listen to others to gather information and have an idea of what’s ok to say… but that’s not a 100% foolproof plane either, I can still take things too far or give TMI.

It’s ok for a kid to not know what is and is not appropriate conversation… probably what no one really pointed it out until I was a teen/young about. But I am 27 years old now and still have no fucking clue.

Yesterday, when Daddy told me that what I said wasn’t appropriate I just fucking broke from the stress of it. He wasn’t really scolding and his tone of voice was calm, really he was simply informing me that it was an inappropriate topic and to just try and monitor what I say. Then he wanted to hear a “Yes Daddy” to indicate that I heard him.

I was mute… couldn’t say anything, then I started to cry and explode with “But how can I monitor what I say when I don’t know what is ok and what isn’t?” and “If I knew it was wrong I wouldn’t have said it. If I need to monitor what I say I might as well just not talk at all.”

He tried to calm me down saying that he wasn’t “getting down on me”, just letting me know. I was trying to explain that I can’t tell the difference in other situations though. I know now, in that situation that talking about money was not ok, but what about if I’m asked why I wasn’t at the event? Is it ok then? What if I’m asked why I need the free ticket if I win the drawing… is it ok to say we couldn’t afford one in that situation? Is it inappropriate for me to write this blog discussing the situation? I don’t FUCKING know!!!

Eventually I calmed down and Daddy did his best to understand. He’s going to continue to try and each me as situations come up, I just can’t guarantee that I will suddenly understand and apply the lessons to all my interactions.

The world exists in shades of gray but my brain is black and white, it’s really frustrating.

Rant about our roommate.

I couldn’t take it anymore, the noise then constant droning of his tv with it’s stupid babble about nothing punctuated by laughter and applause. Before the tv it was him talking loudly on the phone and passing back and forth, up and down the hallway, in his room then out again slamming doors as he went… well it sounded like slamming to me. I am now sitting on the “public side” of our house (the side where BDSM classes, parties and events are held) I just couldn’t take the noise anymore. I couldn’t rest or think. I couldn’t get away from in it while on our side, walking away was all that I could do to keep from screaming.

What am I talking about here? My ex Master who also happens to be mine and Daddy’s current, part-time, roommate. Honestly, I don’t know how I lived with that man for two years; he pushes every button I have. The thing is… I know he (our roommate) is not doing any of this purposely to bug me or push my buttons, he’s not being malicious, and he is not trying to piss me off. His intention when he turned on the tv in his room was to have pleasant background noise for him to listen to while working and it’s probably not even very loud to him.

… It’s loud to me though.

No one seems to understand why things like a tv going or someone talking on the phone sets me off to the point where I would rather leave my own house then be around the noise. I try to explain it to them, but they often think I’m just being dramatic or looking for things to get upset about, sometimes even Daddy will tell me to ‘just get over it’.

If only it were that easy.

I can’t tune it out no matter how hard I try. How do I explain this in a way other people can understand?

I thought my home was supposed to be my sanctuary away from all the over stimulation of the world. Work is loud (I work at an animal shelter) with all the barking dogs, outside is loud with all the traffic, grocery stores, move theaters, and parks all have screaming babies and their screaming parents.

I just want one place when I can control the noise and have some peace. Usually that’s my house, unless the roommate decides to come over. Daddy says, “He’s really not a bad roommate! He comes over two or three days a week then goes back to his house and he pays rent ($300) on-time every month.” I’m sure it’s true, he’s not the worst roommate on the planet. But there is also the fact that I broke up with him (my ex) for many reasons, one of which is that I couldn’t stand living with him!

Like I said, he doesn’t do things to push my buttons intentionally; but he’s really good at doing it without trying.

Our roommate is a very ‘Type A’ personality, very confident and self-assured. When he walks into a room he owns that room and every thing/everyone in it. Which is wonderful in a BDSM 101 class setting, which he is spectacular at teaching, it’s really not ok in my house though. I don’t want to look across the room and see his dick hanging out, I don’t want to hear him having sex with some random piece of ass that he didn’t want to take back to his house, I really don’t want to get up to go to the bathroom at 2am and be blinded by every light in the house being on because he passed through. He or his slaves move things from where I put them, they make noise while I’m trying to sleep, they knock my ducky collection off the counters in the bathroom, they never take out the trash, they never do their dishes, and they invade my space!!!!!

I have had so many meltdowns over feeling like my space is being invaded that Daddy is to the point where he doesn’t care anymore. It happens almost every time our roommate is in the house.

We can’t just kick him out, we need the money that he pays in rent. If we get rid of him as a roommate then we will have to find another one and it’s likely that another roommate won’t be part-time, they’d be in my space 24/7. Sp, I have to live with the lesser of two evils.

The fact still remains though, today I was pushed out of my own house because our roommate took it over with noise and I’m pretty pissed off about it.

I don’t know what to do at this point.

I’ve changed my mind… because I can!

A few weeks ago I had wanted this blog, my blog, to be totally anonymous. Didn’t want to mention my name, location or anything that could give away my identity.

I thought that being completely anonymous would give me the ability to say whatever I want and shear my thoughts without fear of upsetting someone I know. It turns out that I have a very distinct writing style and I am really good at giving my self away; it’s also really hard to edit my life so that I don’t give away my location or specific details, so fuck anonymity. I’m outing my self 🙂

Hi, my name is Shylah.

I live in Salt Lake City, Utah.

I’m 27 years old.

I’m kinky, have been involved in the local Leather Community here in Salt Lake sense I was 18 years old, and live in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship with my Daddy and his other girl Alice. I work at an animal shelter as a kennel tech and attend the local community college. I have Aspergers Syndrome, also know as Autism Spectrum Disorder.

This is my blog where I like to put my thoughts, feelings, and experiences as a form a therapeutic release. If you don’t like what I have to say, that’s great… you don’t have to continue reading. If you do like what I wright I appreciate feed back and hope you continue to enjoy.

My thoughts on being self-diagnosed vs. professionally diagnosed for AS/ASD

Something I have been looking into sense I started researching Aspergers Syndrome obsessively 6 months ago and realized that I very likely have Aspergers Syndrome/AS (Autism Spectrum Disorder according to the new DSM) is a diagnosis.

All my life I have felt different, like I don’t fit in with any group completely… not event the freaks and weirdos. Mom said that I am Dyslexic, schools (in the 90’s) called me ADD until we found that the medication acted more like methamphetamine on my body then it should have if I had ADD. No one could ever tell me why I always felt out of place. No one could figure out why my speaking vocabulary was at the level of an adult when I was nine years old, but I could do simple multiplication without struggle. I couldn’t understand why other kids would like me one moment then hate me the next, what did I do? I was going through the education systems “What’s wrong with you” ringer in the 90’s, back then Aspergers/Autism was rarely considered for kids with social and learning difficulties and almost exclusively limited to boys when it was considered (BTW, I’m a girl).

A diagnosis of AS, I thought, would finally answer all these question and give me piece with my past. It would finally all make sense. Then I stated looking into the doctors who would 1)Evaluate an Adult and 2)Would do it for a reasonable price. I contacted the disabilities department at my school, who I’ve been working with, they gave me the information for the top neuropsychologist in the state who specialized in Adult AS/ASD. After specking with a receptionist over the phone I was disheartened to learn that an average cost for AS evaluation with that doctor would be in the area of $1,200- $150 per hour and average of 8 hours. Along with that, my insurance wouldn’t help at all because it’s not a medical need.

Over $1,000 to confirm what I feel I already know? But if I was under 18 I could get evaluated for practically nothing or insurance would help with the cost because early intervention is the name of the game in ASD research these days.

I kept looking at the major hospitable and psychology research groups in my city and surrounding area, more of the same. Many will not evaluate adults at all… their focus is on children. It really is frustrating, one wonders if the medical world even gives a shit about adult AS/ASD or if we just don’t exist to them because we made it through childhood, in mostly one piece.

After finding that the cost was so high for an evaluation I went onto some message boards and chat groups to ask people who have been through the process ‘What is the benefit of a professional diagnosis?’ many said disability benefits (help getting and keeping a job, education assistance, therapy, support groups). Othr said, personal validation.

The thing is, I don’t want or need disability assistance or a paycheck from the government, that’s not why I want a diagnosis. I want a piece of paper to validate that I have this difficulty and I have worked my ass off to over come it or work with it. I simply can rationalize spending $1,000 or $1,2000 for something that is a person desire, not a need. There are other things in my life that that money should go towards before fulfilling that want.

So, I started to resign myself to my self-diagnosis being all that I will get unless a miracle fell into my lap.

Then the whole issue popped up again while I was chatting on an adult, kinky AS and ASD group. I mentioned that I am self-diagnosed and don’t plan on seeking a professional diagnosis because of the outrageous cost. To my surprise I revived comments that ranged from critical “how do you know you’re not wrong” to pleading for me to seek diagnosis for my own sake.

Many thoughts went through my mind, such as why is this such a big deal? If I feel that AS fits me, I know my life and experiences, I don’t want disability assistance, and the coping strategies and techniques are working… so what’s the problem?

I was also confused by the comments of people who said that they were misdiagnosed for years until a doctor diagnosed AS/ASD. Wait! Hold on, I thought, Doctors were misdiagnosing you throwing pills at you, and calling you schizophrenic for years, but then they throw Autism Spectrum Disorder on you and you just accepted that? How can you know for sure that doctor is making a correct diagnosis this time? Honestly, I would be less likely to trust a doctors correct diagnosis if they had thrown wrong ones at me before. Doctors are human and often make mistakes, the evaluation process for AS/ASD to my understanding consists of questionnaires and interviews from the doctor. They make an education decision biased on their opinion of the facts the patient presents. There are no blood test and, currently, not brain scan that can conclusively prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that an individual is on the autism spectrum. If I am educated on the information and diagnostic criteria (I read the DMS it’s very vague), then why can’t my opinion be just as valid as a doctors? Is it because I don’t have diplomas on my wall? I’m in school for psychology… in five years will I be qualified to diagnose my self more then I am now?

Please know that I am not anti diagnosis, I do still want one; but not for $1,000 that I don’t have. I am not going to choose between paying bills and a diagnosis, I have other priorities. I don’t need disability assistance or anything like that. My seeking a diagnosis is almost to the level of vanity because it isn’t a need it’s a want. For some people getting diagnosed with ASD is a need that improves their life beyond measure, but I already have a good life. I have a solid relationship and friends who let me be myself, a steady job, and I’m in school full time… it’s not a need for me.

It is funny though, as soon as I stopped caring about being diagnosed I found another expert in my state that will do a full evaluation for $650 and another in my city who will do a partial evaluation (not for disability documents) for $300. Daddy even said that we can now consider seeing the doctor who is charging $300 after I get my financial aid for school, and after we pay tuition and get my books.

I will probably make arrangements with the doctor who charges $300. I will probably cry when she confirms that I have Aspergers Syndrome/ASD, but it won’t change my life. I will still be Daddy’s slave, I will still be working at an animal shelter, I will still be weird, and I will still refuse to use my diagnosis as an excuse.