I can’t seem to stop pissing people off…

I gone and done it again… pissed off the moral gods and goddesses of FetLife with my opinion.

A person on my friends list posted a “writing” about an relationship style in the BDSM community and abuse (emotional abuse to be specific), after reading it (a couple of times) I interpreted it as saying, the BDSM/Leather community should police peoples relationships and not show respect to Masters who are determined to be abusers by the general opinion of people watching the relationship from the outside.

(Update: That person quickly unfriended me and blocked me. They threw a temper-tantrum when others started to agree with me. lol I think that’s funny)

I really don’t agree with several aspects of this individuals post:

1) It is not the BDSM/Leather communities job or place to police anyone’s relationship from the outside.

2) Abuse is completely subjective, especially in the world of BDSM. I personally have seen several relationship styles and S&M scenes that would be abusive to ME. I would be upset and traumatized if I experienced the interactions that I observed. The doesn’t mean that I have any sort of right to call the Master/Dom/Top an abuser. I defiantly have no place to try to save the sub/slave or convince him/her to leave the relationship.

3) The most inflammatory part of my response: The victim is not with out responsibility for their abuse. Let me explain before you jump on me…

It is my opinion and my personal experience that the first time someone abuses another it is all on the abuser, but if the victim does not leave they now have some responsibility in the future interactions they have with their abuser. The victim always has a choice, weather good or bad there is always a choice.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the blame is split 50/50, the choice to take the action out weights the choice to stay in the situation. But it’s not as easy as good vs. evil.

Many abusers have experienced abuse them selves, so at what point are they no longer victims? What if they don’t know a better way, as is often the case? Are they evil?

At what point does it turn from a disagreement to emotional abuse? In BDSM, at what point does it turn from humiliation & degradation fetish to abuse? Where is the line? If a Master makes a comment “Oh, I love my little whore. You’re such a slut.” and he means it as a complement but the slave doesn’t like it, they need to say so, don’t they? What about the newb watching the interaction, they might not like it… should they now not respect that Master?

“May he who has not abused throw the first stone”: I don’t think people really understand what emotional abuse really is. We know what makes us individually feel bad, sad, and hurt, but we don’t get to make that decision for others. We know that society says what is and is not ok (BTW, hitting, whipping, and ruff sex are not ok with society… could be considered abusive). It can be as innocent a giving someone the cold shoulder or saying “You should know why I’m mad.” It can be arguing just because you want to win. It can be anything that makes someone feel like less than or hurt.

A definition of Abuse as per Dictionary.com

Abuse
[v. uh-byooz; n. uh-byoos] Spell Syllables
Synonyms Examples Word Origin
verb (used with object), abused, abusing.

1.to use wrongly or improperly; misuse:
to abuse one’s authority.

2.to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way:
to abuse a horse; to abuse one’s eyesight.

3.to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.

4.to commit sexual assault upon.

5.Obsolete. to deceive or mislead.

noun
6.wrong or improper use; misuse:
the abuse of privileges.

7.harshly or coarsely insulting language:
The officer heaped abuse on his men.

8.bad or improper treatment; maltreatment:
The child was subjected to cruel abuse.

9.a corrupt or improper practice or custom:
the abuses of a totalitarian regime.

Notice numbers 1, 2, 3, and 7. Think back on the last heated argument you had…

What about co-abusers? It’s actually more common then society tells us. A couple gets into a disagreement, one takes a cheep shot at the other… in retaliation the “victim” (lack of a better word) takes another cheep shot. Both walk away angry and hurt.

Lets not use the word “abuse” for a second… it’s loaded and automatically puts people on one side of the fence or the other, lets use the word “violence”. Emotional violence.

Is it violent to tells your partner “You always do [X], you’re just trying to make me mad.”, “I wish you’d take out the trash! You’re so lazy.”, “Don’t be stupid, that’s not how you do [x].”, “If you loved me you would do [X]”,”You can’t do anything right.”, “Why are you so stupid?” or just silence and dirty looks… get the point? How do you feel when someone says those things to you? Bad? Backed into a corner? Forced? Did you throw an insult back?

I have been abused by both romantic partners and non romantic associates in my life, the only thing that stopped the abuse was me making a choice to end it, weather it was putting my foot down and telling the individual to stop or me leaving the person completely. I was the one who ended it. If someone from the outside said, “Hey you’re being abused, you should leave.” I would have told them they had no idea what they were talking about (and I did say that). It wasn’t until I was ready to make the hard choice that I could really see what was happening. It’s taken years to bring my self-esteem to the point where I can see that I was being abused, that it was violence… IT TOOK YEARS! The person and people who “victimized” didn’t do it intending to harm me, they simply knew no other way to express what they were feeling (weather their feels were related to me or not).

I have been the victim and I have been the abuser… O, yea… I’ve screamed, manipulated, and called names. I’ve hurt people and probably emotionally scared some. BTW, I am not unusual in that duality. If you have never hurt someone with your words if you have never yelled at or insulted someone out of irrational anger, if you were never a bully in school, then you are not human.

No one deserves emotional abuse and help should be given when it’s asked for, but abusers are not the devil. They need as much care and understanding as the victim.

I was accused of “victim shaming”, that is also violence and abusive. It doesn’t feel good to be ganged up on, but it would feel worse to fold and skulk away into a pit of self pity. I refuse to have a victim mentality, abuse didn’t just happen to me… I chose to get into a relationship, after the first incident of abuse I chose to stay, I chose to accept the “I’m sorry” or I accepted the no apology at all, and eventually I chose to leave and turn my life upside-down. Life and things don’t happen to me (our anyone else), we all have a choice… some times all choices suck and are equally unpleasant, but there are still choices.

People don’t like my opinion, that’s fine. Live your reality the way you want.

But next time you are mad and screaming or even if you’re being passive aggressive with the silent treatment to your partner, friend, parent, or roommate pause and think “Am I being abusive?” and look into the mirror for a quick second. Then look at them, is this abusive to that person?

People don’t like thinking this way about them selves, people want to be the good guy.

Think I’m a bitch or a cunt it’s ok with me. I’m just a girl expressing an opinion… people can take it, leave it, hate it, or love it. But it there and it’s my truth.

“Watch what you say”- That would be easy if I knew it was appropriate or not before I said it!

Last night Daddy pushed one of my buttons… ting is, neither of us realized it until I was in tears.

We had been talking with a close friend and I said something about us not having the money for me to attend an event next week, so Daddy would probably be going alone unless I could win a free ticket in a random drawing. I didn’t think their was anything wrong with what I had said, I wasn’t being critical or pouting, but when we left the conversation and were in privet (Daddy never reprimands in public) I was told that I need to watch what I say to other people. Apparently entering the public drawing via a FetLife comment was fine, but if I say out loud that I couldn’t afford a ticket it’s too much information. I don’t understand that… isn’t entering the random drawing for a free ticket a week before pretty obvious that I don’t already have a ticket and therefor one can assume that I can’t afford to buy a ticket and full price?

I really don’t understand what the difference is and why saying that we can’t afford something is inappropriate.

This is not the first time in my life that I have been told to watch what I say, actually it’s really common for me. Until I started my research into Aspergers Syndrome (AS) I thought that I was just stupid, what was so simple for other people to determine (what should and should not be said in various company) was so difficult for me.

My ex-Master couldn’t stand it when something “inappropriate” came out of my mouth, he though that it was me being malicious and trying to make someone angry, brag about something, or me being spiteful towards him. He would be angry and I would have no idea what I had done wrong. Eventually, when telling me “Don’t do that” didn’t work he started punishing me… At first it was cane strokes after an incident, then when that didn’t seem to help (I still had no clue what was appropriate conversation or when) he decided to strap an electric dog collar to my thigh and zap me whenever I spoke out of turn or said something incorrectly. That lasted for nearly a week with me getting constant shocks and ended with him turning the thing up full blast and holding down the button for thirty seconds until I was in tears having, what I now know is, a meltdown. Ever sense that failed experiment in punishment I have had PTSD reactions to electrical toys and the sounds they make. Eventually things ended with that Master, there were many reasons but the fact that he resented my inability to censor my speech was one of the big factors.

When Daddy and I first started discussing our power dynamic I told him the trauma I experience with my ex and how I would not be able to mentally handle punishments like that. He understood and chose a different rout, positive reinforcement and explaining to me what I did wrong and why it was wrong, but never punishment.

It still doesn’t help though that I can’t seem to figure out what is appropriate and what is not, often when I am really confused I will simply not speak at all. Better to no say anything then offend or upset someone.

The problem isn’t that I talking about inappropriate subjects around vanilla people or kids, I don’t start discussing sex at work or anything… I learned the hard way that sexual information is inappropriate in the workplace so I simply make that a blanket rule (never discuss sex at work or around non-kinky people). But the fact is that I still had to learn that and there is no wiggle room with that rule, it’s black and white.

Around people know and I am comfortable with it’s a lot harder to know what is and is not ok to say though. It’s not a black and whit situation, what is appropriate in one contexts is not in another, but I’m speaking to the same person. I can be totally honest with my feeling and thoughts to Daddy, but if friends are over I need to watch what I say until they leave… why should I even bother to talk then? It’s really a matter of intuition for conversations, that part of my brain has never seemed to work. I can’t look at a situation and know what is appropriate conversation. I have learned to wait an listen to others to gather information and have an idea of what’s ok to say… but that’s not a 100% foolproof plane either, I can still take things too far or give TMI.

It’s ok for a kid to not know what is and is not appropriate conversation… probably what no one really pointed it out until I was a teen/young about. But I am 27 years old now and still have no fucking clue.

Yesterday, when Daddy told me that what I said wasn’t appropriate I just fucking broke from the stress of it. He wasn’t really scolding and his tone of voice was calm, really he was simply informing me that it was an inappropriate topic and to just try and monitor what I say. Then he wanted to hear a “Yes Daddy” to indicate that I heard him.

I was mute… couldn’t say anything, then I started to cry and explode with “But how can I monitor what I say when I don’t know what is ok and what isn’t?” and “If I knew it was wrong I wouldn’t have said it. If I need to monitor what I say I might as well just not talk at all.”

He tried to calm me down saying that he wasn’t “getting down on me”, just letting me know. I was trying to explain that I can’t tell the difference in other situations though. I know now, in that situation that talking about money was not ok, but what about if I’m asked why I wasn’t at the event? Is it ok then? What if I’m asked why I need the free ticket if I win the drawing… is it ok to say we couldn’t afford one in that situation? Is it inappropriate for me to write this blog discussing the situation? I don’t FUCKING know!!!

Eventually I calmed down and Daddy did his best to understand. He’s going to continue to try and each me as situations come up, I just can’t guarantee that I will suddenly understand and apply the lessons to all my interactions.

The world exists in shades of gray but my brain is black and white, it’s really frustrating.

My thoughts on being self-diagnosed vs. professionally diagnosed for AS/ASD

Something I have been looking into sense I started researching Aspergers Syndrome obsessively 6 months ago and realized that I very likely have Aspergers Syndrome/AS (Autism Spectrum Disorder according to the new DSM) is a diagnosis.

All my life I have felt different, like I don’t fit in with any group completely… not event the freaks and weirdos. Mom said that I am Dyslexic, schools (in the 90’s) called me ADD until we found that the medication acted more like methamphetamine on my body then it should have if I had ADD. No one could ever tell me why I always felt out of place. No one could figure out why my speaking vocabulary was at the level of an adult when I was nine years old, but I could do simple multiplication without struggle. I couldn’t understand why other kids would like me one moment then hate me the next, what did I do? I was going through the education systems “What’s wrong with you” ringer in the 90’s, back then Aspergers/Autism was rarely considered for kids with social and learning difficulties and almost exclusively limited to boys when it was considered (BTW, I’m a girl).

A diagnosis of AS, I thought, would finally answer all these question and give me piece with my past. It would finally all make sense. Then I stated looking into the doctors who would 1)Evaluate an Adult and 2)Would do it for a reasonable price. I contacted the disabilities department at my school, who I’ve been working with, they gave me the information for the top neuropsychologist in the state who specialized in Adult AS/ASD. After specking with a receptionist over the phone I was disheartened to learn that an average cost for AS evaluation with that doctor would be in the area of $1,200- $150 per hour and average of 8 hours. Along with that, my insurance wouldn’t help at all because it’s not a medical need.

Over $1,000 to confirm what I feel I already know? But if I was under 18 I could get evaluated for practically nothing or insurance would help with the cost because early intervention is the name of the game in ASD research these days.

I kept looking at the major hospitable and psychology research groups in my city and surrounding area, more of the same. Many will not evaluate adults at all… their focus is on children. It really is frustrating, one wonders if the medical world even gives a shit about adult AS/ASD or if we just don’t exist to them because we made it through childhood, in mostly one piece.

After finding that the cost was so high for an evaluation I went onto some message boards and chat groups to ask people who have been through the process ‘What is the benefit of a professional diagnosis?’ many said disability benefits (help getting and keeping a job, education assistance, therapy, support groups). Othr said, personal validation.

The thing is, I don’t want or need disability assistance or a paycheck from the government, that’s not why I want a diagnosis. I want a piece of paper to validate that I have this difficulty and I have worked my ass off to over come it or work with it. I simply can rationalize spending $1,000 or $1,2000 for something that is a person desire, not a need. There are other things in my life that that money should go towards before fulfilling that want.

So, I started to resign myself to my self-diagnosis being all that I will get unless a miracle fell into my lap.

Then the whole issue popped up again while I was chatting on an adult, kinky AS and ASD group. I mentioned that I am self-diagnosed and don’t plan on seeking a professional diagnosis because of the outrageous cost. To my surprise I revived comments that ranged from critical “how do you know you’re not wrong” to pleading for me to seek diagnosis for my own sake.

Many thoughts went through my mind, such as why is this such a big deal? If I feel that AS fits me, I know my life and experiences, I don’t want disability assistance, and the coping strategies and techniques are working… so what’s the problem?

I was also confused by the comments of people who said that they were misdiagnosed for years until a doctor diagnosed AS/ASD. Wait! Hold on, I thought, Doctors were misdiagnosing you throwing pills at you, and calling you schizophrenic for years, but then they throw Autism Spectrum Disorder on you and you just accepted that? How can you know for sure that doctor is making a correct diagnosis this time? Honestly, I would be less likely to trust a doctors correct diagnosis if they had thrown wrong ones at me before. Doctors are human and often make mistakes, the evaluation process for AS/ASD to my understanding consists of questionnaires and interviews from the doctor. They make an education decision biased on their opinion of the facts the patient presents. There are no blood test and, currently, not brain scan that can conclusively prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that an individual is on the autism spectrum. If I am educated on the information and diagnostic criteria (I read the DMS it’s very vague), then why can’t my opinion be just as valid as a doctors? Is it because I don’t have diplomas on my wall? I’m in school for psychology… in five years will I be qualified to diagnose my self more then I am now?

Please know that I am not anti diagnosis, I do still want one; but not for $1,000 that I don’t have. I am not going to choose between paying bills and a diagnosis, I have other priorities. I don’t need disability assistance or anything like that. My seeking a diagnosis is almost to the level of vanity because it isn’t a need it’s a want. For some people getting diagnosed with ASD is a need that improves their life beyond measure, but I already have a good life. I have a solid relationship and friends who let me be myself, a steady job, and I’m in school full time… it’s not a need for me.

It is funny though, as soon as I stopped caring about being diagnosed I found another expert in my state that will do a full evaluation for $650 and another in my city who will do a partial evaluation (not for disability documents) for $300. Daddy even said that we can now consider seeing the doctor who is charging $300 after I get my financial aid for school, and after we pay tuition and get my books.

I will probably make arrangements with the doctor who charges $300. I will probably cry when she confirms that I have Aspergers Syndrome/ASD, but it won’t change my life. I will still be Daddy’s slave, I will still be working at an animal shelter, I will still be weird, and I will still refuse to use my diagnosis as an excuse.