I posted this on FetLife yesterday (11/6/14) just before 2pm. Sense posting it has received over 100 “Loves”. Needless to say, I am fuck shocked. In less then 24 hours I had that much positive response to my thoughts on a topic, it’s never happened to that extent before.
So, I thought I would share it here too.
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The other day I was having a conversation with a co-worker, we were the only one’s on the afternoon shift on a Sunday and had some time to kill before we clocked out. My co-worker started the conversation by asking me, “So… I have a weird question, but I don’t think you’ll be offended.” (I’m totally out as being kinky at my work, so I get weird and personal question all the time.)
“What is it?” I asked.
“If your boyfriend or husband was going to porn sites would you be mad?”
I laughed, “Really?… It’s porn, why would I be mad? I fucking watch porn!”… “I might be mad if it were a pay site and he was spending money that we don’t have.”
She agreed with me then started explaining why she had asked in the first place. Apparently a friend of hers counts looking at porn as a form of cheating. I just laughed and said how silly that level of jealousy is to me. We kept talking for a while about what counts as cheating, I explained that from my point of view cheating is deceit, as long as everyone involved in a relationship is aware and agrees with a person sleeping around or even having other relationships it doesn’t matter who’s fucking what.
I went on to use my self as an example, I am always my own best example, I explained that my “boyfriend” has a second “girlfriend” and I have absolutely no problem with that arrangement. In fact the “other woman” and I are friends and like each other.
Well that just blew my co-worker away. She sat their for a moment thinking…
Then the questions started,”How can you be ok with that?”, “Doesn’t it make you feel like he loves you less?”, “What if you want sex but he has sex with her instead?”, “What if he tells her something that he doesn’t tell you.”, “I don’t think I could ever do that.”
I tried to give easy explanations, but really it comes down to I seriously don’t understand jealousy in the context of a relationship. I don’t understand how people can expect their partner to fulfill all their needs all the time. I don’t understand possessiveness, I understand ownership and control, but expecting your partner to never talk to or become aroused by another person again is completely mind boggling to me. Expecting your partner to never feel affection or love for another person is confusing. Even the idea of love being limited and a commodity to be fiercely guarded is a concept that I don’t understand.
This isn’t about being monogamous or polyamorous, it’s about unrealistic expectations that society tells us to place on our partners. What’s wrong with a man who is in a committed relationship having a close friend who is female? Why is there automatically a threat there? Why do people think that to be committed means to never have sexual feeling for another person?
Sex is not love. Sex doesn’t have to be bonding. What real love is is caring for someone, accepting them flaws and all, wanting them in your life weather you are romantic or just friends. Love is being willing to jump on a plane at midnight to go help the other person even if they are across the country.
Sex is super, sex is better when it’s with someone you love, but in the end it’s just physical sensation. It’s over and people move on. Biologically, lust/sexual passion commonly last for 1 1/2 to 2 years after that is where you start to really develop deep bonds. There’s a reason so many relationships end at the 2 year mark… suddenly that person isn’t turning your chemicals on anymore, why does sex matter so much if you want a relationship?
Personally, I would rather never have sex with Daddy again if it meant that we would always love each other and be together. I can find sex anywhere, I could probably go through my phone and find at least 5 people to come fuck me right now, the difference is that I don’t want to keep them around. I don’t want to shear my heart with all of them. I don’t want to live with all of them.
What about the emotional relationship? Sex isn’t a big deal, but some people don’t want to let their partner become emotionally involved with someone else.
Why? Is it because you are afraid that they will run away? Is it because they might confide in someone and leave you in the dark? Does it make you feel inadequate?
I know that I can not fulfill all my partners emotional needs, it’s a fact, emotion is really weird for me at times and I have a difficulty empathizing with a situation that I have never experienced or have no point of reference for. It’s not that my partners feelings are invalid, wrong, or silly, it’s that there are things that I simply can’t do sometimes… so I want my partner to get that need met, if not by me then someone else. Why act disingenuous and mechanical when my partner is looking for sympathy for a feeling that I can’t empathize with? Why not encourage them to get that need met by someone else? Why cause my self the distress of wanting to help but being unable to.
For example: I simply can’t understand Daddy’s life before I met him, he was a punk kid and a very bad boy, but his other girl @Alice_Cain can relate and connect with him in that experience, that’s ok and sometimes it’s what they both need. Why would I stop that?
The fact is that I can’t understand jealousy, cheating, possessiveness, or monogamy. It’s so much easier to just let someone be them selves and do what they want. If that means that my partner is sleeping with other people that’s fine, hopefully they care for me enough to still want me in their life. If they run off with someone else, they why would I have wanted to fight for them to stay anyway? Obviously they didn’t want to. Why would I want to obligate someone to stay with me unless they 100% wanted to? What does it prove to socially guilt someone into commitment if all they really want is sex and a good time? If you’re secure in a relationship then what is the threat of it being open either sexually, emotionally, or both. If you are really secure then you have nothing to worry about.
It’s kind of like that saying, “Let something go and if it comes back to you it was yours all along.”
If you don’t want to have sex with someone else that’s fine, I actually rarely fuck around or have outside 
relationship, but if the desire is there why suppress it? It’s not poly vs. monogamy, that shit doesn’t matter. In the end it’s all about love and your own insecurities and how much you’ve bought into that fairy tail love story that society tries to convince is “right”.
My Journey 